I just got the strangest email.. It came from pandemicrawfrankfurters at yourhippyfriendskilledaroosterbyblowingtoomuchsmokeinitsbeak.com
I don’t know what you are selling, dude, but I want in. Just let me know where to bury the shoebox full of money.
BREAKING NEWS – BREAKING NEWS – BREAKING NEWS – BREAKING NEWS
Pushy Architects Unveil Groundbreaking Technology For Teen Titans, Brush Aside Conspiracy Theorists Claims of Failure*
BUTTE, MT – NOVEMBER 31, 2008 –
In a remarkable discovery by Scientists who know things of importance, Banned substances composed of gold, freeze-dried tomatoes, bunions, cold frankfurters and extremely wet paste made in Peru have been combined in an innovative fashion to reveal what man has always feared: granite no longer weighs as much as it did in the Stone Age.
Against all odds and despite incredible circumstances of little merit, these Scientists determined this astounding fact while testing 5-year-old Beowulfs infected with the passive-aggressive DNA of long-extinct wooly mammoths.
During the initial testing phase of this mouth-watering experiment, Scientists were surprised to realize the 5-year-old Beowulfs responded with extreme vim and vigor to granite containing the aforementioned banned substances, adamantly licking the granite for days on end with little concern for their surroundings. Eventually, these Scientists came to the conclusion that their test subjects were drawn to the granite because the highly toxic DNA injections created an additional saliva gland completely obsessed with granite. The obsessive licking stripped the granite of its mineral exoskeleton, which proved to be the majority of granite weight.
“It’s a startling discovery, one for the ages. I suspect this will alter the future of man for days to come,” exclaimed Dr. Waz, one of the lead Scientists assigned to the project by his lazy neighbor, Jo-Jo. “I enjoy making things that people look at with their eyes, not their ears. This will eventually cure leprosy, we believe. If Lazarus were alive today, he’d be shooting arrows into the ground.”
Because this information is just now being released to the general public, there are fears of rampant rationing of atrophied orangutan livers, especially among sonar enthusiasts. But Jordan Jordanian, co-director of the experiment, dismisses these fears as short-sighted superstition.
“Spaghetti and meatballs will never be quite the same, as long as I have anything to say about it,” whispered Mr. Jordanian while sipping a bowl of spinach. “We stand by our findings. The results speak for themselves.”
The results quickly added, “Why can’t we save all the rhinoplasty victims, for God’s sake? Man wasn’t placed here to erect large monuments. We were placed here to erect social and sexual mores for the needy. What more needs to be said?”
What happens next, only the future knows. And the future isn’t talking in a loud voice anymore.
“Bacon will always be better than pork chops, that’s one thing you can count on,” echoed the future from a previous interview edited for television.
Yet, there are some who believe the Scientists need to conduct further tests before releasing these findings to the public.
“As a pushy architect with a zest for killing wild boars on partly cloudy days, I fear for the safety of teen titans from sea to shining sea,” brayed dr. P. P. timmmii, founder of the Swiss Foundation for Found Founders. “It’s still OK to prefer pavement. Granite is for the weak and ill-fitted. But I will say this – those stupid jackoffs who go to Burning Man every year will finally be able to ride faster, once we replace the granite. Gravity isn’t pretty.”
For more information regarding this important discovery by the Scientists, contact your local Notary and ask for more peanuts. Zygotes not included without written permission from your kidnapper. For less information, please
visit:
http://yourhippyfriendskilledaroosterbyblowingtoomuchsmokeinitsbeak.com/
This is highly weird. In April 2006, a 
